Firstly, I’m so sorry you are not being respected.
Some ideas for what to do now:
- Pick you. Listen to your inner wisdom. The volume for your inner wisdom has been turned out. You’ve mostly likely been in a relationship where you’ve been gaslighted and can’t now trust what you know via facts as well as that truth inner knowing. Reconnecting to yourself,
your inner knowing and wisdom, listening to your true whole heart is vital. The relationship you’ve been within has mostly had elements of domestic violence, coercive control, manipulation and fear a common feeling. Honouring yourself, reconnecting to what is best for you, and focusing on your healing needs to be at the fore.
- Doing little things that are accepting of where you are, what you’re feeling, what you’re doing. Hurt partners often becoming snoopers and absolutely hate that they are doing it and have become ‘those people’. Find your boundaries, I’ll say it again, your boundaries and what is best for your mental and emotional health. Sometimes re-looking at the proof is important to stop any self-gaslighting. Sometimes continuing to search is important. Sometimes stopping is important. Few important notes to consider: safety if continuing to look puts you in unsafe situations STOP. If you’ve been searching and searching for months and months STOP.
- Speaking to a therapist is important. Why and who should attend? Firstly, you should attend regardless of partner. See the first tip. Having a space to express all that you are feeling, thinking, managing, processing and healing JUST FOR YOU, is vital.
If attending with your partner is safe, respectful and has clear objectives. Therapists provide respectful guidelines for processing through the hurt, pain and conscious communication. We provide boundaries, structure and uphold standards of communicating. Ie no name calling, no gaslighting, no abuse. Guidelines are such things as open device policy with boundaries, clarity around reasons and objectives for communicating and information sharing (ie we often say there is no kind, respectful, loving reason to share sexual information when a physical affair has happened.)
- Limit rewriting history. If you find out the affair or affairs have been happening for years, stop that thinking mind ruminating and rewriting everything. If you had a lovely holiday back when, then you had a lovely holiday back when. Regardless of what choices your partner was making, the betrayal and hurt you now know about. What your experience was, is exactly what it was. Your younger self didn’t know, your younger self had a wonderful time and that is absolutely ok. It is not your fault. You are not stupid for not knowing. Rewriting your past is often an attempt to find something certain, solid and some sort of understanding. Sitting in uncertainty is what is needed and also extremely difficult.
- Finding your certainty, solid and understanding will come from being curious and staying on your side of the street. Go back to Pick You 😊. Focus on you, your healing, your boundaries, your self-care.
- Affairs don’t always mean the conclusion of a relationship. It does signify the ending of the dynamics of the relationship that included the affair(s). It does signify a new beginning, which two people get to consciously choose together and separately, how this new relationship is defined, respected and honoured. This could be ending all contact (healing individually), separating with limited contact (individual healing), staying together (healing individually and together). The right conscious choice as unique as you are. There is no right or wrong.