He was pretty sick in this photo but we didn't know. Our last family holiday, we didn't know would be our last. This would be the last photo of us together before it all changed.
Introducing my Dad, also known lovingly, appreciatively and with honour as Papa. He has now left that glorious physical body and is now with us in energy, soul form alone. There have been many times in this last 13months that I've wished with depths of my heart I didn't even know I had, that he was back in both in physical and soul form with us. He has joined our spirit guides and has continued to help us. I have no doubt that at times I've completely missed the guidance, lessons and opportunities they've provided for me. With a dose of pure love as they push or a universal mack truck me to the path that is for my and our highest good.
Here are some things I've learnt in the last 13months without this main, gorgeous, masculine man for myself and my boys:
Grief is a force. A force of unchartered loss. I'd experienced loss before: grandparents, marriage, identity. This loss was of a different kind all together. Grief that utterly transforms the way you look at, feel about and fit within the world. I had the uttermost privilege of caring for my Dad in his final months, and time in palliative care. Sitting alone with his vehicle for this life time, holding his hand...I wasn't sure how my legs would move again, how they'd be able to stand and hold me up to walk out of the room for the final time. The world out there was somewhere I was uncertain about. It was a world I did not know. I didn't know how I'd function without him. Some days I still don't know how I function without his physical presence. Grief is a force that comes in waves. Some days are easily to flow along with. Other days you are hit with the universal mack truck with pain and a depth of yearning for them.
Strength is a word that seriously started to irritate me. I know people would say it to me from a place of kindness. Yet we, well at least me, and other people who fawn, wear strength as people pleasing amour. We wear it to make other people more comfortable being around us. We push down. We repress and suppress our pain, grief, loss, hurt, pain, sadness because it makes us more acceptable to the world. I don't believe there is strength in suppressing and repressing emotions. I don't believe strength is hide our true selves to make others comfortable. I believe these things are coping strategies, up until a point. I'm not sure what my definition of strength is to be honest. Is it just survive the moment? Surviving the trauma? Surviving the grief? I feel strength should be left to defining how much weight someone lifts at the gym (individual personal best style). I don't feel strength needs to be applied to the emotional domain for human existence. I know people refer to mental strength. I feel this needs to change as not being or having strength equates to weak. This has to stop. Mental strength often refers to not letting people's opinions in (i.e. having a sense of self, having boundaries - so all the people who are overcoming childhood trauma and programming that hasn't provided or taught these things would mean they are weak. I STRONGLY disagree). It can often mean following through on priorities in ones life, so again the opposite is weak. Again I strongly disagree, some peoples brains are not wired for this (ADHD, Autism, brain trauma etc) where executive functioning is different or impaired. These people are not weak. It can often mean staying committed to exercise, activities etc - again people who's brains function differently make these executive functioning skills challenging are not mentally weak. People living in survival mode due to being in the midst of grief, dark night of the soul, neurodiverse, etc are just as amazing and fabulous. Feeling all the feels, releasing all the feels, surviving each moment, accepting yin and yang/dark, shadow and light of oneself. This is what we need to be embracing. Not labelling mental and emotional health in terms of strong, as the opposite is automatically applied -weakness. No More.
I discovered, learnt about, explored, experienced and found healing in Quantum Consciousness. It deepened my understanding of hypnosis. It helped me grieve because I gained further understanding about the universe, higher self, space, energy, cells, quantum physics, soul, human experiences and my soul purpose. It helped me deepened my connection to my intuition. It helped me connect to my Dad purely in soul form. It's lead to meeting and learning from fantastic people.
I've learnt that I'm actually really comfortable talking about death and people transitioning. That being around people transitioning and their loved ones in palliative care was such an honour and privilege. It wasn't something that scared me or I was afraid of. It was a place with light, love and peace, for the tears and farewells.
That right now, is the time to pick yourself. To make choices in your life that are for your highest good. To follow your intuition, guidance and your path. This might not be what others would choose as a path for themselves. I consciously chose not to write "this might not be what others would choose FOR YOU." As I believe what they desire is for themselves not for you anyway. You can only know what is truely right for your highest good. I believe the flow on from this will also be the highest good for all involved - this does not mean they won't find your choices challenging. That could actually be exactly what they need, to learn a lesson for their souls growth for the highest good. Either way that is not for us to decide. What is our decision is the path and process we choose for ourselves. That is the only respectful thing we can do for ourselves and those we love. The most loving thing we can give others is us living our highest good. This does not have to be experienced as easy, fun, enjoyable to the other person though. Boundaries my loves, boundaries.
The value of good men, and the void they leave when they are not physically here. The void for a daughter. The void for
grandsons. We were so lucky to have him as our main male role model. Not just any male, a healthy male. The truely glorious marvellous man.
I can do extremely challenging things. Physically, emotionally and mentally. By myself and with bravery (for me) with others- asking for help is not easy for me. I've been that limiting independent feminine as a survival coping strategy. Stepping into my healthy balance of feminine and masculine to make some of the most challenging decisions ever, let alone without my solid sounding board Dad.
Grief for little boys, 10 and 7yrs, is intense and heartbreaking to hold loving space for. The pleading in his voice to just be with Papa. The heartache and wells that arise in my eyes when he is struggling and the place he wishes to fall, to be caught, to be held with love and safety, the place he deeply feels he needs to be - is with Papa. Let alone and more importantly, the intensity within his own body, heart and soul, too deeply feel this.
The jump scary of grief. It comes out of nowhere and hits deeply. I've sat, held space and little heart in my arms as he's cried because of a song coming on that reminded him of Papa at a friend's house during a playdate. Feeling fine one moment and then smack, deep ache.
We've experienced and are experiencing magnificent flow on (ie massive life changes) that have been triggered by his departure. I've learnt to step into my power more and more. To listening to my intuition. To hear, value and honour that inner little voice, so it becomes my clear, loud and proud guiding star. Guess what, I've also learnt, if I don't listen, Dad, my guides and grandmother (also in spirit) step in with loving force.
Please share with me what you've learnt during times of grief. What has helped, hindered, assisted in your grief?
I'm sure with time, I'll be adding to my learnings. In fact I hope I do :)
