A discussion has arisen in our home based on occurrences at school.
I see parallels with the big world as well. The weight and focus given to difference types of how our bodies are interacted with. One being hitting, kicking, and punching alongside swearing. The other being gentle touch, hugs, and arm stroking alongside pleading.
We can all agree that hitting, kicking, punching each other needs to stop. Plus at the worst end, taking someone's life needs to stop. Kids each day are getting reflections, suspensions, and expulsion from schools for these acts. I don't disagree. Our school does everything they can to see and support who gets overwhelmed and express their frustration and anger and big feelings by lashing out.
These kids are explosive and explosions are visible.
What's harder to see are the kids who are using gentle touch, hugs, and pleading behaviours to interact with people's bodies also without consent.
The kid who touches the side of your arm whenever they talk to you. While your stomach turns. It's violation wrapped in gentle, outwardly appearing kindness. The kid who hugs other kids without asking. The kid who picks up younger kids, hugs and carries them around without asking. The kid who asks if they can have a hug, and then pleads for a hug when the answer was no. For kids who mask or have been taught to use their bodies to please others, who will end up agreeing and saying ok or yes, while their stomach turns in discomfort and unease. The kid quietly says things, like be my boyfriend/girlfriend or I'll tell so and so about x and y.
What is happening to these kids? Reflections, suspensions and expulsions? No. From experience within my practice these kids hold positions in the SRC and are school captains.
These kids need just as much awareness, teacher education around and ramifications for their behaviours. There is a part of me that feels more so than the explosive kids. Why, because often the explosive kids are still learning to regulate their emotions and will learn healthier ways to regulate, hormonal changes and age will support them in physically exploding all over others less. I'm not ignoring or underestimating that abuse that happens in older age groups. What I feel is that because they are visible, they get focus, attention and are provided opportunities to learn healthier expressions.
The kids who are being discrete, 'gentle', and using coercive abuse, are learning to hone their skills because the abuse is less visible, they manage their positions of power (being known as the good kid, kind kid, SRC kid) to hide their behaviours that are violating other kids bodies and control over others again from their positions of power. I heard today from a 10yr old boy who spoke up for two girls (he'd asked their consent before doing this) with the principal about the male school captain. This school captain hugs people without consent, if he does ask and kids say no he pleads with them for a hug until they say nothing and just stand there taking it or slightly utter an ok or yes, makes up and spreads horrible rumours about other kids to break up friendships and isolate kids, using his traumatic family life in an attempt to get sympathy from other so they overlook/dismiss his behaviours, tells the girls their boyfriends are cheating on them and if they don't break up with their boyfriends then he will tell the boyfriends the girls have kissed him. Guess which part the principle took most interest and needed to hear before real action would be taken? That he pulled the girls hair.
I don't ever underestimate the opportunity and gift I receive from my little clients, who bring to sessions these examples from their lives. Together we explore what their guts/intuition is telling them, how they deal and regulate that information and feel, dynamics of health relationships, boundaries and flags they can see within their experiences. We keep the focus on them, their awareness, their intuition, their learning opportunities and ways forward. As well as self and other protecting and clearly by this post, consent.
Consent = A clear unquestionable YES. Anything else is a no. My first answer is respected.
Consent = I choose how my body is interacted with, inclusive of touch, words and actions.
Consent = I choose who interacts with my body in each moment.