When we are safe big people for kids to share their vulnerability with, well this makes my heart happy. As a big person who gets this a lot, with her own kiddos, clients and also kids at athletic carnivals who are seeing me for the first time. It can be overwhelming to hear their big feelings, especially when it surrounds depression and suicidal thoughts.
Side note before we continue: sharing extremely personal details with a stranger, is often a sign of trauma. The little girl at the athletics carnival who disclosed being triggered by a sign in the female toilets about free rape crisis counselling to me isn’t just sharing possible sexual assault trauma. Oversharing is a trauma response. She never met me before. She didn’t really know my son. I was just a mum attending with her child, if eye contact was made I’d smile, if another child spoke to me I’d listen and engage. Please know support has been provided to her, beyond the conversation I had with her.
I’m deeply grateful to be a safe person, whom people can share their vulnerabilities with.
I feel my own vulnerability arise when they share, at times horrific things that have happened to them and the dark scary places thoughts can take people.
Your own child sharing with you that they are depressed and having suicidal thoughts are definitely triggering for your own vulnerability to flow to the surface. The fear, concern, anger, trepidation and heartache also flow to the surface. As the big person, these need to be dealt with on your own time. Not in your child's vulnerable sharing.
This is one of the most important times to listen and NOT fix. By not fixing I mean, don’t push them to feel happy, self-loving, see the positives, find things to be grateful for, or comment on the effects on other people. Listen to what is happening for them, ask if there is more they’d like you to hear, ask when they think about suicide what part of their life would they like to be finished, to end, to be over, and depending on their age ask if they have a plan.
Asking what part they’d like to be finished, to end, to be done with, gives insight into pathways to helping them. For example, if I use an amalgamation of things I’ve heard:
· That big people will stop making me feel ashamed by saying things like:
That makes me sad, that will make Daddy sad, what will people at the park say when they hear you, when you do that it reflects badly on Daddy/Mummy and people around us will think Daddy or Mummy are bad parents, you might have special needs but I’ve got a special need that you stop doing that.
· That when I ask for my things not to be touched, my siblings listen and my parents listen to my voice, support me and my needs. That I'm not less than my siblings. Less in connection given by my parents. Less in time spent. Less in energy spent. Less in money spent (particularly common for siblings of additional needs children, as paying for their therapies and interventions can take priority). Less in my parents taking interest and knowing me, compared to siblings.
· That big people I’ve lost from my life (aka departing/deceased/life transitioned), come back.
· That big and other little people at school, are kinder, more understanding, supportive and protective.
See my other post/blog about bullying. We need to see more of the picture and provide guidance, care and safety, not punishment, blame and neglect.
· That I can stim without people taking my calming strategies as something personal about them.
A lot of the examples under the first point about shame link to this one as well.
· That I could eat my lunch at school because you put effort into making it
This one was shared and the mother never puts pressure on the children to eat at school, after years of school refusal, trauma and anxiety. The child, due to anxiety and the influence of another big person, has turned the appreciation of the mother making them lunch, into a pressure which is crushing them. The child experiences shame in not showing appreciation by eating what has been provided, because a separate big person in their life puts pressure on them to eat everything, to say thank you constantly to the parent for parenting, and show particular behaviours (like not complaining, the awful saying ‘you get what you get and don’t get upset’ notions) and teachings of co-dependency (this topic will be another blog as it’s so important).
· That I can be supported, loved and seen at both houses I live at.
Particularly when children are parentified, co-dependency is enforced, and abuse is wrapped up in ‘I’m the adult’ and/or ‘bringing the children into adult issues’.
Please note this doesn’t mean that each house must have exactly the same parenting approaches or choices. It does mean meeting the child’s needs first and foremost.
Some steps for helping:
Regardless of what they bravely share, these steps are the same.
- Remember the vulnerability it takes to share this deeply scary place with someone else. Be as calm as possible, try and put your inner reaction to the side, and deal and heal with that later. This moment is about them. You deal with yourself on your own time.
- Remind yourself, that your job isn’t about fixing or pushing them to feel anything other than what they are feeling. Acknowledging, expressing and being heard by another is soothing, which leads to a sense of being seen, safe and secure. This will lead often to them feeling less of the big challenging feelings.
- Share with them that you are grateful and proud that they’ve shared this vulnerable part of themselves with you, or the big person they did share with if not directly with you (ie when they share with a teacher, co-parent etc). That you are here to listen and be with them throughout it.
- Ask for clarification that you’ve heard them correctly and if there is anything else they’d like you to hear. For example; I appreciate you sharing with me, I want you to know I’m hearing you, can I please clarify if I’ve heard you correctly. Then say list back as close as possible what they said. If they say yes, then ask, is there anything else you’d like me to hear? If they say no, say sorry I’ve misheard, could you correct me, as I really want to hear you and understand.
- Share that these things have solutions. Depending on the mindset, and depths of depression, their response can be “yes not being here is the solution’. As hard as this is, validate that yes, it is one option, but there are many other options first.
In the example above about the children having the not eating lunch on their overwhelm with life list. The mum beautifully shared that she made lunch because it was her mothering choice to do it. She didn’t have any expectations that they’d eat it. That she hoped they’d nourish their body and if that is eating because they are hungry wonderful. If that is not eating because their anxiety is high, then wonderful as they’ve made a choice based upon listening to their body. That when their anxiety is lower and at home that nourishing their body with food is engaged in. The child took the pressure off themselves for the lunch eating. Their list was still long, but one was taken off. This was used as an example of how sharing with another person reduces loneliness and brings about other solutions.
Another example is wanting to be with departed loved ones. Hard to find solutions for that one right, maybe not. Exploring ways that the child feels connected to that person in their daily life, things that can be added to daily life that honour the departed person (dumb supers, having their photos around, talking about them, creating a place in the garden just for the departed person (Fairy/Angel Garden, name plaque etc). Work with a quantum hypnotherapist to connect to the quantum energy, energy of the departed person and the child’s higher self.
The other above examples with big people: Building up relational skills: teaching and modelling healthy boundaries: for example, teaching the child skills around asking for their needs to be met; “This conversation is not healthy or helpful for me, it needs to stop”, “I’m uncomfortable, this conversation needs to stop”, “What you are saying to me, is making me feel uncomfortable, I’m walking away now.”
Teach kids about our close and far boundaries (I’ll add a blog with a pdf about this and the mantras that go with them). These help them learn about not taking on other people’s emotions as their responsibility which leads to kids needing to modify themselves to be acceptable, good enough and lovable. Please note this is not ok. They are acceptable, good enough and lovable always and especially above and beyond other people’s emotions. Teaching them to modify, hide, disown, suppress, repress part of themselves to be acceptable, good enough and loveable – to whom? To you, to their future partner, to their friends, to their teachers? What happens when there are clashes in what each of these groups and individuals within these groups, classify as acceptable, good enough and loveable. What happens to their sense of self, confidence, and self-love? It is lacking and wanting and unhealthy. There are fractured parts, not a whole self.
- Seek professional support: for yourself in parenting, for them, for the family.
- Keep communication lines open, with love, care, and curiosity at the fore. Big people, deal with your emotions and responses on your own time. When you are regulated and have processed your emotions, these can then be shared, again with care and love at the fore, not manipulation and shaming at the fore.
