I was talking to someone about this incident at my son’s school, which I never wish to witness ever again. There where dysregulated children, family trauma flowing into the school and friendships, there was perceived notions of social injustice, there were children strongly identify with the amour they wear. You know that amour to hide fear, scared, worried, lack of big people support, and lagging social and emotional skills. That amour is bold, physical, cries for help, protection and safety hidden in bravado, ‘toughness’ and physical expressions of ‘strength’. I’ve put ‘ ‘ around toughness and strength as these are attempts at how they wish to be perceived (by others and within themselves).
There were perpetrators and victims. There where bullies and vulnerablies. Yet, who was who, it isn’t as simple as it might seem.
The stereotype and assumptions surrounding what and who makes a bully, well it usually comes down to people saying it is the parents. You know the stereotypes, beliefs and scientific research truths. Too harsh, too weak, enforcers of physical punishment (ie use physical violence to control and teach their children right from wrong with a hand, fist or belt or other item), that they don’t use punishments at all, cycles of violence and abuse from home flows into the school, those who are abused at home by the big people become the bullies at school to those smaller than themselves; a place to regain power and control – I’m sure you know all these dialogs and beliefs, assumptions and stereotypes. You might have them yourself. You might strongly hold on to them. I know I have them. I know some are based on my years being a mental health professional working with families and children with violence and abuse within them. I know from research into neurodevelopment, family and domestic violence, child development, impacts of parenting upon children, that these notions are often true. But not always…
As a parent whose child may be, too outside eyes, classified as a bully. I know there are other families out there, like ours, where the home is filled with love, clear boundaries, where physical expression of emotions is taught to be channelled into health expressions of emotion, where violence is not condoned, where consent is taught and enforced, where active and conscious parenting is at the fore, where parental reflection and conscious consideration of how to teach skills where they are lagging. A home where the parent is constantly educating herself on parenting, child development, personal growth and development. A home where the whole child is considered: what skills are they lagging, how do we teach these skills, diet, activities they engage in etc. A home where violence and abuse is NO, just no.
What I’ve learnt…that at times there are also other forces at play, which does not negate active, engaged, loving and conscious parenting. These forces are the influence on our children, ourselves and our parenting. These forces are past lives, parallel lives, a soul/spirits lessons to learn. These add to our parenting gifts, I like to view our role as parents as being a guardian for the souls that are our children. What lessons do their soul’s need to gain from this lifetime? What lessons do our soul’s need to gain by being these little soul’s parents?
Please note this view is inclusive of meeting the needs of the children, teaching them skills where they are lagging skills, considering current situations, needs and learnings. It is an extra aspect for us to be thinking, honouring and parenting/being guardians for.
It helps me to remind myself that we are three bodies:
- A physical body; how do I care and support my kid’s physical body – diet, exercise and also emotions, feelings, nervous system, and brain care. And as their parent and guardian (modelling, setting examples, ie the boys know me having a bath is self-care and that it helps me process emotions so I can show up as the mum I want to be. So much so that one bath my son asks, how my bath is going, before I could answer, he says oh good that sounds healthy )
- A programming body: the conditioning, beliefs, stereotypes, definitions and understandings of self, others, and the world. We are programmed by parents, family, friends, teachers, society, religion, etc. It is understood that we are very programmable from 0-7yrs old. The conscious, unconscious and subconscious mind are all within the programming body. How do I care and support my child’s programming body? What am I programming it with? What is my programming? How is my programming showing up in healthy ways within my parenting? How is my programming showing up in unhealthy ways within my parenting? How do I consciously choose to change this?
- An energy/spirit/soul body: I feel this is also inclusive of the subconscious mind and probably more of the subconscious mind is within the energy body. This body holds the magic and wonder and wisdom and lessons and learnings of our soul. For me this is about being mindful within our parenting of the bigger picture, reminding ourselves of what a human being truly needs, reminding ourselves of what is nourishing, loving and needed for a soul. Questioning within ourselves, what might be coming forward from a past life/parallel life for myself? My child? To be learnt, to be healed, to be offered, to be received.
So for my fellow parents, of the little souls that exhibit ‘bullying’ behaviours, know that these are purely communications for us to learn, see, soothe, make safe and secure. Please know that you are not alone. Please know I see you and your family as one that might be (like mine) an outlier of the stereotypes, beliefs and abuse cycles.